LETTING GO

I can pretty much tell you this week has been the fucking lousiest week I've had since my mom died. It was tons worse than losing my job or deciding not to be a classroom teacher anymore. The idea of letting go of someone we love is immense. It doesn't matter who that someone is, whether he or she has two feet or four, when it's time to say good-bye the emotions are overwhelming. 

I had to learn at an early age to let go. My first pet Susie, a fabulous German shepherd, died when I was probably 4. I have pictures of us together and stories my mom told me, but no solid real memories. I know that we used to play "Ring Around the Rosie" together. Apparently, I would grab her tail and she would take my arm in her mouth and we would go around in circles as I sang. Then at the end we would both fall down. 

My Aunt Aileen and Uncle Ches

I had to let go again when I was 12. My wonderful, amazing uncle and godfather, Chesley Jamison, got cancer and died. It was the first funeral I attended where I really knew the person. Unfortunately, it wouldn't be my last. At 19 I lost my father to cancer. If you've read some of my other posts you know he was an alcoholic and there were issues in the family, but it doesn't matter. He was my dad and he was gone.

Me and my Dad

Less than 6 months later I had to let go of my sweet loving sheltie, Lady. I'd had her since the first grade and she was my comfort when dad died. I told her things I had never told anyone and she listened and kept all my secrets. After her, I lost both grandmothers. My Gramma Jamison was the hardest since I was so much closer to her. 

Gramma and me

I got a puppy, a beautiful black lab/Irish setter mix and named her Pagan. She was so smart and so much fun. But, as anyone who has fur-babies knows, they don't live long. So when she was 14 I had to let go again. After that I swore I'd never ever get another pet. It was too difficult this constant letting go. 

I lied. My friend Jennifer talked me into going with her to the humane society to look at cats. I had never owned a cat before . .. or perhaps a cat had never owned me before. But I went and that's where I fell in love with a beautiful calico girl I named Fiona. She sat on my lap all the time, kissed my tears away, and slept with me every night. Because I had her, I was open when we found a tiny kitten in a mall parking lot. He probably wasn't even 6 weeks old. I packed him up and brought him home and named him Max. A year later, I rescued another cat from the small town I taught in and named him Warlock. Somewhere in this craziness my cousin talked me into taking in a dog she'd rescued. Lucy was a golden retriever/rhodesian mix (can you say 100 pounds of fury??) But she really wasn't since the cats kind of raised her so she thought she was a cat. 

There I was with 4 fur-babies! My poor Mom finally begged me not to bring anyone else home. Max became her cat. He slept with her and sat on her lap all the time. Fiona was getting older and didn't want to be bothered much but she did deign to sit on our laps occasionally. Warlock, on the other hand, became my shadow. He followed me from room to room, sat with me constantly, waited by the door for me to come home, came to the bathroom with me, and slept with me. He was my Mister Boo, my Lockster Boy, my Mr. Fuzzypants. 

Sweet Fiona taking a snooze

When Fiona was about 16 or so, I once again had to let go. I knew she was ready. She was in pain and had stopped eating and drinking. It didn't make the goodbye any easier, but I understood it. Lucy, on the other hand, I didn't understand. She was 5 and ended up with an auto-immune disorder. I did everything I could. Took her to specialists, gave her a billion different kinds of medicine and still I had to let go. 

Barely a year after that in 2010, my Mom had a massive stroke. My sister and I were devastated. She was our rock, the one person who loved us unconditionally, our support. In less than a week, she was gone and I had to learn to let go again. The week she was in the hospital and the next week of her funeral was horrible. I came home every night and cried, but Warlock was right there with me. He laid on me, purred and it was such a comfort.

Me and Mom

Max is almost 12 and he'd been having health problems. He has thyroid issues, which caused him to lose a ton of weight. For a while, he stopped eating so I was force feeding him. Then, miraculously he began eating on his own. I knew, in my head and heart, he would probably be with me another year tops so I was preparing myself. Spending tons of time with him and babying him.

Max

Ah yes, but you know what they say about the best laid plans. Yeah, they're for shit. So this past weekend I noticed Warlock wasn't acting like himself. He just seemed off. He was still with me at night, but there was just something. He was quieter, not chasing the other cats. On Wednesday, I watched him walk in and out of the litterbox about 3 times but didn't hear anything going on. I felt on his belly and he cried. I thought he might not be able to pee. Max had that. So I instantly packed him up and took him to the vet. Dr. Wood felt on him and said his bladder was enlarged. They would cath him and bingo he'd be feeling better. I hated to leave him, but she promised me he'd be back to normal probably Friday. She was wrong.

She called me less than 40 minutes later to tell me it wasn't his bladder. There was some kind of mass in his stomach. My sister and I raced to get him and take him to the big specialist hospital where they could do an ultrasound. They found a tumor of some kind, but didn't know what it was. I okayed my baby for exploratory surgery the next day so we could figure this out. I got the call the next day that Warlock, my baby, had cancer all through his body. What?? How the fuck did this happen? He was fine and now he's not? The surgeon wanted to know what I wanted to do. Umm, make my baby better so I can bring him home. So he can lay on my chest so close to my face that I can feel his breath and get tickled by his whiskers. 

Warlock

That wasn't a real option. If I brought him home he might have had 2 weeks tops. Two weeks where it he wouldn't be able to pee because the tumor was compressing his kidney. Two weeks where there would probably be pain. For what? So I could be selfish and have him home with me. Can I tell you that I wanted to say yes to this. But I knew it wasn't fair. So they just didn't wake him up. He went peacefully in his sleep. And again I had to let go. But this was hard, the hardest since my Mom. I think it's because there was no time. I wasn't prepared. I mean, he's my healthy guy. He's not even 10 yet. He hasn't been sick. 

The pain is enormous. The sadness and loss is deep. And I'm sure there are those of you out there that say, "What the hell? He was a cat. Get over it." But guess what, not to me he wasn't. I don't have kids, I never wanted kids. My fur-babies are my kids. I love them and take care of them and they give so much back. To have to let Warlock go before I was prepared is staggering. 

Letting go sucks. I'm struggling with it even though he's gone. But since I wasn't with him it doesn't feel real. Sometimes, I imagine I'll call for him and he'll come running. Or I feel the bed move and think it's him. Now it's just me and Max. And I know soon I'll have to let go again. 

MY WRITING/BLOGGING SPACE VS. MY IDEAL WRITING/BLOGGING SPACE

Welcome Random Wednesday peeps! Before we leap into the subject of the week, let me share with you the awesome that is him. Aaaand you're welcome.

So, I wish I could tell you my writing space is equally as awesome, but then I would be a big old liar head and I would hate to be that. In fact, I don't have a dedicated space to write. I used to have an office, but that was when I was stuck with a desk top system and I haven't had one of those in a very long time. Now I just write wherever I feel like. Right now it's mostly in my bedroom, lounging on my bed.

If I'm not writing in my bedroom, then I'm out in the living room lounging in my favorite chair.

Are these my ideal space? Oh hell to the no, but right now they work and ultimately, that's all that matters. Right? Now if I could have my ultimate space first my view would be this all the time. 

I would be able to go sit out on my lovely back porch and it would have a comfortable lounge couch thingy.

Then if I got a little warm I could sit under even more shade and have a cool tropical fun drink.

Once I get bored at the beach (bwahahahahahaha) yeah I just said that. Anyway, if I ever did then I would come back home and sit on my porch in the woods overlooking water.

Can you tell water is a big thing? You'd think I was a water sign, but I'm not. I'm an air sign, but I love the water. As I've said before I don't want to be in it, but by it. I love sitting on the beach and listening to the waves crash onto the shore. Or standing by a stream and listening to it rush over rocks. There's just nothing more relaxing. 

So there you have it my writing spaces - real and imagined. Yeah the imagined are so much more awesome. Maybe one day. Until then I can use my imagination. 

Now run over to the other Blogger Girlz and see where they come up with all their amazing stories. Also, if you want, drop me a comment below and tell me about your favorite creative space, real or imagined it doesn't matter.

Bronwyn
Jessica
Kris
Jessica D.


See you all next week! --Gwen

Come Celebrate the Best Holiday You've Never Heard Of!!

So we're about a month after the much lauded winter holidays and it's a dead bore. It always is. January through the beginning of March totally sucks because it's cold, gray, long, and oh so boring. But my friends no more. Nay, nay, I say because you will now be introduced to the most wonderful holiday ever. 

Welcome to Mid-Winter!!!

It's wonderful, magical and is celebrated on either the 1st or 2nd Saturday of February . . . pretty much when you want. Why does the holiday float about, you ask? Yeah, because my sister and I made it up! That's right, it's totally made up so you can do whatever you want for it.

Let me back up and explain. Our Mom died in the summer of 2010 and gads did it suck majorly big donkey balls. Jude and I got through Halloween, Thanksgiving and finally Yule/Christmas with the help of our two best friends. But once all that was over we were left with nothing to look forward to. So out of nowhere we decided to make up our own holiday. We set it at the beginning of February since that makes it about midway between winter holidays and spring holidays and also half way through winter. 

The first year Jude and I got each other small presents, made some food, made fun drinks and watched TV. Nothing big deal. But as the years have gone by, it's gotten a tad more elaborate. I have decorations for Mid-Winter now. The mantle is decorated with the fake snow, a garland that looks like an icy branch and ornaments in icy blue and silver. 

Our gift dollar amount is up to about 60.00 this year and we've already started planning our menu (both drink and food). Our best friends are even celebrating the holiday in Memphis. 

So I invite you all to take up this wonderful holiday where nothing is really expected of you, but eating your favorite food and drinking your favorite beverage. If you want to buy a gift for yourself or someone else go for it. If you want to decorate, you can do that too. Since we made it up there's really no rules other that you just enjoy it and be glad that there's something to celebrate.

Happy Mid-Winter Everyone!! --Gwen

RANDOM WEDNESDAY: ON MY WALLS

Hello! Apparently, this Random Wednesday post is supposed to be all about the pics and no words. Bwahahahaha! When has anyone ever known that to happen with me? Yeah, never. So the pics are a collection of things on the walls across the house. The paint swatches were tester deals to decide what colors we are going to paint. Thankfully, we've picked the colors, but no painting has been accomplished. Hey, I'm a procrastinator. Oh, before I start you need Wednesday hotness. The pic below is one of a few that gave me the idea for the kilts the Sandaki wear (if you've read Mated you know who they are). 

And there you go, that's the fairly boring stuff on my walls. Now run over and check out what the other Blogger Girlz are hanging up. Oh and if you have any questions, comments, or suggestions for me please leave them in the section below. 

Bronwyn
Jessica
Kris
Kellie
Kayleigh

See y'all next week! --Gwen

JANUARY SONG PROMPT

So every month we're going to be writing short pieces that go along with songs. This month the song is "I'm a Mess" by Ed Sheeran. If you don't know the song you can check it out HERE. So here's my piece. It's really short and has no title, but I hope you like it.

    He couldn’t believe it was over. He slumped low in a chair and stared with unseeing eyes at the ceiling. He knew there would be pain. How could there not? Right now, though, was just an unremitting numbness. How often had the two of them bemoaned the breakups of friends of family members? How often had they shook their heads and discussed the reasons why one partner had cheated on another? Both of them had agreed it was ridiculous to cheat. If the relationship was that broke then it should be ended. At least you should have that much respect for your partner if not yourself to end it before starting a relationship with someone else. They had both agreed if they’d ever come to that they would be totally honest with each other.

   Honest. What a joke. Obviously, she hadn’t been honest in some time. Six months. She’d been seeing some other man for six months. Some other man? It was easier to think of him that way. If he thought of him as “my brother” then the pain might burst through and he couldn’t handle that right now. Bad enough that his marriage was over, but to discover that his own brother had betrayed him he almost couldn’t process the knowledge. The brother that he’d helped repeatedly. Money. A car.

   Fuck, he was a fool. He’d been played for a fool. He closed his eyes as tears slid down his cheeks. Okay, okay, he’d allow himself to grieve tonight, but tomorrow was going to be different. Never again would anyone take advantage of him. Ever again.

That's my piece. If you comments or suggestions I'd love to hear them. Just jot them down in the comments section below. Now run over and check out what the other fabu authors have written. 

Bronwyn Green 

Jenny Trout

Jessica De La Rosa

Jessica Jarman

Kris Norris

I'll see you all on Wednesday for all that is Random! --Gwen

NOMINATE YOUR FAVORITE MENAGE ROMANCE!!!

If you love menage romance now is your chance to nominate your favorite books. Go here and do it today!! Hey and if you want to nominate MATED I won't argue with you. Really . . . :-)

ANTI-BUCKET LIST . . . . or THINGS I WOULDN'T DO FOR A BILLION MILLION CATRILLION DOLLARS

Hello Random Peeps! Today we're obviously chatting about things that will never, ever go on our bucket list. Oh! I almost forgot Wednesday Hotness

So, my list isn't in a particular order. Just know that no matter what I will never do any of these things. If you hear me say I AM going to do one of these things, bonk me over the head, toss me in a closet and hold me there until I return to sanity. Just sayin . . .

1. Climb any kind of mountain, cliff, whatever

I am terrified of heights so there is no way I would ever chose to climb anything. Hell, I don't even like to climb a ladder so there's no chance I would ever think about strapping on some kind of rope to get to the top of a mountain. And for what? To say I did it?? That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.

2. Jump out of or off of anything

Yeah, if my ass isn't going to climb something it certainly isn't jumping off of anything. Once again . . . why??? What's the point? 

3. Get married

I have no desire to get married. I used to say that I never saw a good marriage. Bless my parents hearts and I love them so much, but daggone their marriage wasn't good. As I've grown older I can now say I've seen a few . . . very few. I know tons of people too so those aren't good odds. So, no thank you. Oh and I won't have kids either. 

4. Swim with any kind of sea creatures

I love the ocean . . . from the beach. I can sit on a beach all day long, under an umbrella, read, and listen to the surf. But I am not going out into the water. No thank you. I saw Jaws as a child and I think that's all I need to say about that.

5. Pierce anything that's not my ears

I totally respect someone's right to chose to decorate themselves however they wish, but it's just not for me. I have my ears pierced and I loooooove earrings and I'm happy with that.

I'm sure there are other things I would never ever do, but for right now these are the first things that come to mind. If you have things you wouldn't do let me know down in the comments. Then run over to the other Blogger Girlz and see what's on their Anti-Bucket lists.

Bronwyn
Jessica
Kris
Jenny
Kellie

See you all next week! --Gwen

FAVE THINGS: (SUPER) HEROES

Happy 2015! Can you believe it's the new year already? Jeez, it just goes so fast and here we are back at January and the beginning of Randomness that is the Wednesday Blog. Oh here's your first male hotness of the year:

So this week we're talking about heroes, super and other. First, I loooove super hero movies. I think they're so much fun. So here are my favs, in no particular order.

1. Black Widow

This woman is sexy and oh so dangerous. Did I mention she'd dangerous?? Yeah, I so want to be her when I grow up.

2. Lara Croft

You might be saying to yourself, Gwen she is not a super hero and I so beg to differ. She is sexy and dangerous and does what's right. That's super in my book. Plus, dangerous and guns. Yeah

3. Thor

I've loved him since I was a kid and now love him even more since he's played by the very sexy Chris Hemsworth. Plus, a man who can wield a giant hammer no one else can. Yum

4. X-Men

I used to watch the cartoon back in the day and love the live action too. And can we all say Hugh Jackman. Oh yeah

5. Soldiers

I found this pic in an exhibit and they're of men in our special forces. Can you say totally badass and they're the real deal. I am so going to write a story about them someday.

6. My Mom

This woman was amazing. She managed to raise two kids and an alcoholic husband without breaking a sweat. No matter what happened she always had a smile, a hug, and words of love for us. But she was no push over, believe me. Steel Magnolia was a term she could have embraced. Every week my dad came home and handed her his check. She gave him an allowance and then she went about juggling the bills, kids, the house and everything else. Love her so much and miss her terribly.


So these are my favorite super heroes. Tell me about your favs in the comments below. And check out the other Blogger Girlz to see who they lurve a lot.

Bronwyn Green
Jessica Jarman
Kris Norris
Kayleigh Jones

See you all next week!! Gwen

January Flash Fiction!

Hey!! I'm so excited about this idea. Every month we're going to be giving you short writing pieces based on pics Bronwyn and Jessica picked out. This months' pic is totally awesome. Hope you enjoy my short piece. 

Dreams of Ice

Gwendolyn Cease

    Cold sweat ran down his back as he approached the dark mouth of the ice cave. The same cave he almost died in a year ago. Cole shoved the thought aside. He couldn’t allow the memories to surface. If he did, he’d never go in. If he never went in, he’d never finish what he’d started. And it was imperative he finish. The longer he waited, the more intense the dreams became, and that’s what had started everything. The dreams.

    He’d started dreaming about the cave as a child, only flashes, but he remembered every detail. As he grew older, the dreams became more intense, as if something called to him. He’d started his search for the place at twenty-five, by that time the dreams were so overwhelming he couldn’t focus on anything else. It had taken two years to finally locate the cave. He still couldn’t believe he’d found it. For most of the search, he thought the place was a figment of his fractured imagination, since he was convinced he was going insane.

    When he’d finally found the cave of his dreams he’d wept from relief, from ecstasy. Finally, finally, he would walk through the place he’d only visited in flashes. He hadn’t taken his time; he’d been reckless though and rushed in without any thought to safety or caution. He’d walked through the cave so many times in his dreams and been safe he hadn’t taken into account the danger of reality. Cole had paid the price by losing his footing on the ice and sliding into a deep pit. It had taken too many days and too many people to finally extract him for him to walk away unscathed. His injuries were numerous and he’s spent a long time in a hospital and even longer in physical therapy. Through it all his constant focus had been the cave. He had to get back. Had to see. Had to find.

   He turned on the lamp embedded into his helmet and stepped into the eerie blue-white world. From his previous visit, he knew the floor was extremely slippery so he dug his cleated boots in as he cautiously moved forward. His light danced over the walls as he fought to keep his breathing steady and even. As with the first visit, he was overwhelmed with the need to rush forward, but he held himself back. Whatever he was searching for had been waiting a very long time, but he wouldn’t be foolhardy again.

   A break in the ice he hadn’t noticed before appeared to the left and he knew this was where he had to go. He played the rope he’d secured around himself out as he stepped forward. This time around, he’d made sure of his safety by attaching a rope to a series of ice screws. This trip wasn’t going to end like the last one.

     Squeezing through the opening, he stood for a moment taking in the absolute silence. It was eerie, but relaxing all at the same time.  He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been alone. After the accident, his friends and family were with him constantly. He understood their concern, but when he couldn’t even go to the bathroom alone without someone hovering he’d lost his patience.

     Now he stood alone and felt the last bits of tension melt away. Slowly, he moved down the tiny corridor. With each step, he knew he was approaching what he’d dreamed about, his destiny. He’d always known, deep down, his heart’s desire would be found in this cave. The problem was he couldn’t tell anyone what that desire was. Perhaps a need to belong somewhere? A need to be loved? He wasn’t sure, but knew it was here in this place.

   As he neared a bend in his path, his heart rate sped up. He recognized the spot. He dreamed of it and everything looked the same. As he stepped forward, one of his boots slid out from under him and he went down hard banging against the wall. Before he could catch his breath, the wall at his back gave way and he was sliding backwards. Terror filled him, as he scratched and grabbed for purchase. Nothing he did worked as he gained speed. He tried to hold the rope around his waist, but it slipped between his gloved hands as if covered in oil.

   The light on his hat danced wildly as his wild ride ended. He found himself on his back in a small cavern. He panted attempting to calm his racing heart as spots danced before his eyes. He wasn’t dead. The thought raced through his mind. He moved his arms and legs. He wasn’t hurt either. He closed his eyes and sent up a prayer of thanks.

   He sat up and rolled over so he could to get to his feet. From his peripheral vision, he saw movement and turned. A man crouched in a small opening Cole knew hadn’t been there before. White-blond hair tumbled over the man’s wide shoulders as piercing blue eyes studied Cole closely.

   Cole knew him. This man had been in his dreams too. Hadn’t he? Cole wasn’t sure anymore. Hell, maybe all of this was some fevered dream his brain had created. Maybe he was locked in some hospital somewhere and all of this was just a hallucination?

   “Hello, Cole,” the man said. “I’d wondered when you’d finally get here.”

Now run over to check out the other pieces from Bronwyn Green, Jessica Jarman, Kris Norris, Kayleigh Jones, and 

Jessica De La Rosa. 

See you next month for the Flash and this coming Wednesday for the Random Blog!!

Gwen