I've started and restarted this post over and over since, to me, the subject is really deep and intense. So, the question is to name one thing I've lied to myself about and why. Okay, here goes . . . oh and before I do let me say
I was sexually molested when I was a child. I don't have an exact age. I always say six, seven, or eight since I'm not sure. I know I was little and I know who it was - a cousin who is five or six years older than me. Once the abuse stopped, I "forgot."
Not really. Let's just say my mind tucked it away. I refused to recognize it for what it was. Any time an image of the abuse would flash in my mind, I'd unconsciously push it away. Nope, that's nothing. Nothing to see here. Move along.
Over time, I became an expert at the lie. If the image floated up, I'd make it disappear almost instantly. I never questioned all the billions of issues that I had. In fact, I never gave any of it, especially the PTSD, a thought.
The longer I lied to myself, the easier the lie became. Until, a doctor presented me with the evidence. She said the much hated words - sexual abuse. My mind was saying, "Oh no, you must be wrong." My mouth was saying something totally different, "My mother doesn't even know."
I panicked. An out and out panic attack. I ran away. Oh, after I screamed at the doctor the above sentence a couple of times. I'm sure I scarred her since she was a brand new doctor. Poor thing.
Once this happened, I couldn't lie to myself anymore. I had to look at the memories and recognize what they were. What happened. Who it was. How it affected me. Then I had to deal with it all. Which took for freaking ever. Between the abuse, PTSD, and the clinical depression my 20s and early 30s sucked major donkey balls.
Things are certainly better now. I still have the depression, which can get bad, but for the most part the other stuff has . . . subsided. It's not gone. It'll never be gone, but it doesn't take over my life either.
The song this month was one I had never heard of by a group I hadn't heard of either. As soon as I heard it, I liked it. A lot. It immediately brought a scene to mind starring a character from my November flash fiction, Raisa and her dragon troubles.
The song is called Patsheeva by a group called Circa Paleo
If you want you can take a listen here.
through the tunnels of the cave, barely aware of her surroundings. She crawled
when she needed to crawl and climbed when required. She was on the scent. The
Guild wasn’t, at one point, known as thieves for nothing. Of course, most Guild
members didn’t go out with the idea of stealing from a dragon. Or, if they did,
they didn’t last long. Here she was though, stealing from a dragon.
there really wasn’t a dragon. Maybe all the stories were just that, stories.
Dragons weren’t seen much anymore. They kept to themselves and were normally found
deep, deep in mountain ranges. This cave really wasn’t that far from the city.
Not really. It had taken her about four hours to drive and another hour to hike
to the entrance. For a dragon, that wasn’t much. And, no matter what she tried
to tell herself, a dragon was here. Somewhere. Her senses told her. Led her ever
her way along a thin ledge and cursed her brother and her own stupidity for
ending up in this situation. The Semenov’s had obviously used her brother to
get to her. Of course, it didn’t take much since Georgi was a complete and
utter idiot who imagined himself as a big player in the city. He wasn’t. He was
a pawn and now so was she.
have ignored the Semenov’s offer to meet with her. Her senses told her to
ignore it, but instead she went hoping to talk them into a solution that didn’t
have her stealing from a dragon. They not only didn’t want to talk, but they
stamped their seal on her. A seal she was to understand that never came off.
She was, in effect, their property. Forever. This was what they wanted all
along. They didn’t care about Georgi, but about her. Her skills.
in the Guild archives would hopefully pay off. The only thing that could cancel
out the family seal of a Wyrm was a dragon. She hoped like hell she could
figure out how to convince the dragon to do whatever needed to be done. And,
this whole asinine plan depended on her ability to discuss the situation with a
being who wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about her problems. Well, if the dragon ate
her, it would solve the seal issue once and for all.
the heat first. Not unpleasant, in fact, it felt good after the chill of the
cave. Her stomach in knots, she moved forward carefully. She was close, her senses
screamed at her wanting her to run, but she refused. She had to get this done.
the light. Not like from the sun, but as if from fire. A warm fire on a cold
winter’s night. Yep, just keep that thought in your head, Raisa told herself.
Comfort, warm, friendly. She almost laughed. Nothing, not even strong drink,
was going to convince herself she was heading to a warm, snuggly fire.
deep breath, she moved out of the tight corridor into a massive cavern. Or, at
least, she assumed it was massive. She couldn’t look around and investigate her
surroundings since her gaze was pinned on the enormous dragon. The enormous
dragon who lay curled up on his hoard. The enormous dragon who lay curled up on
his hoard watching her with beautiful sea green eyes.
well,” the deep male voice came from nowhere and everywhere at once. “What do
we have here?”
back a scream. She couldn’t imagine that would impress him over much. Her
screaming and flailing around like a Muppet wouldn’t make a great first
impression. No sudden moves, she told herself, and bowed low before him.
why don’t you tell me why you’re here before I eat you.”
forward to bargain with a dragon.
This month the prompt consists of the line: "It's okay. You don't have to love me." I wasn't really sure what to do with it, but I finally came up with an idea. It's not very long, but I hope you like it.
said, ‘It’s okay. You don’t have to love me.’ My first thought was, you’re damn
straight, there, buck wheat.”
out laughing, almost shooting Pepsi out her nose. “You didn’t say that, did
friend, Gina, rolled her eyes. “No, of course not. I said, ‘That’s good,
because I don’t.’”
you’ve only been dating…what? Two weeks?”
“If that, so
I am definitely not in love with him.”
her head. “So, he thinks he’s in love with you?”
Gina said, “he just wants in my pants. Because after he delivered his line
worthy of a B-grade film he said, ‘Just let me love you.’ Then he grabbed one
of my tits.”
tried not to laugh, she really did, but just couldn’t help it. Her best friend
ended up in the most bizarre situations with the most bizarre men. There’d been
the guy who claimed he was an actor, which he wasn’t. He was an usher at the
theatre. Another guy said he was an award-winning song writer and told Gina he’d
written songs like Ed Sheeran’s Shape of You, but that the singer had stolen
it. And, on and on. Dana really couldn’t remember the last normal guy Gina had
what happened?” Dana couldn’t stop herself from asking.
dropped his pants and revealed he wasn’t wearing underwear. What he did have
was a tattoo that said love machine right above his dick.”
make this shit up.”
“Oh, hell no, I don’t have this good of an imagination.”
his hand off my tit, grabbed my purse and left. He tried to run after me, but,
instead, tripped over his pants and fell out into the main hall of his
apartment building. The elderly lady who lives across the hall came out then
and screamed since he was naked. I didn’t stay around to find out what happened
sorry, but this stuff only happens to you.”
“I know and
this is why I’m taking a break from dating. Hopefully, if I give it a few
months the weirdos will have all found other people and I can find somebody, at
least, half way normal.”
not what I expected to hear. You once told me that if you didn’t have a date
for the weekend you’d shrivel up and waste away.”
I’m stupid. And, if I would waste away it’d be preferable to the men I’ve been
her head. “That’s just it. You’re not dating men, you’re dating boys. Maybe you
need to start looking somewhere other than the bars and clubs for guys to date.”
“You’re brilliant. I’ll join an online dating site.”
she raced out of the room before Dana had a chance to respond. Sitting back in
her chair, she knew, without a doubt, there were more weirdos in Gina’s future.
With the internet, the pool was going to be wider and deeper. Dana didn’t know
whether to be afraid or excited at the prospect of even more entertainment.
Welcome to the wordlessness that is Wednesday. This year we get to share whatever pics we want for each wordless post. First, I'm never wordless no matter what and second, it's going to be so hard. I have tons of pics to share.
I think, though, for March's wordless I'll share pics from my trip to Charlotte. If you've never been, the city is so nice and I love the Daniel Stowe Botanical Gardens. I hope you enjoy them.
This month we are all creating a piece around the picture above. So many thoughts, so many ideas Hopefully, you'll like what I did.
glass. The screams of men. The scent of blood and burning rubber. He couldn’t
move. He couldn’t scream. Blood choked him as he attempted to gasp in a breath.
jerked himself awake and frantically searched the room. Dream. It had been a
dream. Pain shot through his left knee, it was a dream now. What he dreamed was
real or had been real. Fuck, he wasn’t sure anymore. He scrubbed a shaky hand
over his sweaty face and tried to slow his breathing.
months. He’d been stateside for eight months. And, for almost every night of those
eight months, he had the same dream. The same memory. Roadside IED punching a
hole through his transport. Blood, screaming, bodies. He’d been one of the
lucky ones. He’d lived. He had all his fingers and toes, if not his sanity.
limped to the bathroom and turned on the shower. He needed to wash away the
sweat and the lingering unease the dream always brought on. He braced his hands
on the wall and let the hot water pour down over his body. Slowly, his muscles
unknotted and, though, he was more relaxed, he knew he wouldn’t go back to
the water off and grabbed a towel. The clock on the wall read five-thirty. He
didn’t have PT until almost ten and he certainly didn’t want to hang around the
apartment. If anyone could call the tiny four hundred square foot space by
anything so grand. It was a box, he knew that, but he hadn’t been looking for
much. All he’d been focused on was finding a place to sleep and store some of
his stuff. That was it.
Callan, had offered to let him crash at his place, but there was no way. The
man’s bed was a revolving door and Gabriel didn’t want to stay in someplace he
didn’t feel was secure. So, he’d taken the first place he looked at. It wasn’t
much, but it certainly beat most of his past accommodations.
dressed, he grabbed up his laptop bag and slowly made his way out of the
building. Turning right, he moved down the sidewalk. He was aware of everything
and everyone around him as he made his way to the coffee bar that was becoming
his second home. The place opened at six and, more often than not, Gabriel was
in his regular seat with a drink by six-ten.
in the door and paused to quickly survey the space. The only person in the
entire space, was the lady behind the counter. She looked up and smiled at him.
morning,” she called.
He stepped up to the counter.
can I get you this morning? Are you sticking with what you normally order or
are you going to branch out?”
with the regular.”
plain black coffee into a cup and handed it to him. He paid her and moved to
the table he always occupied. It was situated in the corner with a wide-open
view of the entire place. He pulled out his laptop and booted it up. While he
waited, he sipped from his cup. He didn’t know what she did, but her coffee was
damn good. That’s why he came every day, well that and the fact that, he didn’t
make her nervous.
He knew he
made people nervous, between his size and the fact that he wasn’t much of a
people person, okay, he wasn’t a people person period. He’d had his fill of
people so didn’t feel the need to socialize. Claire, though, didn’t seem to
mind. He knew that was her name since she owned the coffee bar and the place
was called Coffee by Claire.
different. His life was nothing as it had been. Wouldn’t be again. And IED and
shattered glass made sure of that. Gabriel glanced up as Claire slid a warm
cinnamon muffin on his table.
she said, with a smile. “I figured my most loyal customer deserved a muffin.”
away, her long tail of blonde hair a stream down her back. He picked up the
muffin and bit into cinnamon, butter, and warmth. His life may be totally
different than what he’d planned, but he’d take it and figure it out. It
certainly beat the alternative.
I love this month's Top 10, because I love Disney! Everything Disney! Disney movies, Disney shows, Walt Disney World, Disney clothes . . . are you sensing a pattern. The only downside is I only get to chose 10. So, the ones I show are the movies that immediately come to mind. This in no way gives all my favorite Disney movies.
Okay, so these are my top 10 Disney movies. The only one that's in order is the #1 spot, which is:
1. Beauty and the Beast
I've always loved this story and once Disney came out with this version, yep my favorite.
2. Robin Hood
The music is great and the story just makes me laugh. Fun Fact: Robin Hood was my sister's very first crush.
3. The Aristocats
4. 101 Dalmations
5. Jungle Book
I love this movie and it was the one my dad took us to see. Not mom, but dad, so that was a big deal.
6. Bedknobs and Brooksticks
7. Sleeping Beauty
I love the story, but I love Maleficent even more.
8. Mary Poppins
9. Hocus Pocus
10. The Santa Clause
Well that stinks, since I've reached 10 and haven't really finished. I never got to mention The Lion King, That Darn Cat (original), Mulan, Tarzan, The Incredibles, Zootopia . . . yeah the list could just go on and on.
Anyway, go and check out if Bronwyn, Jessica, Kris or Siobhan managed to stick to just 10 movies
And, there you go, that's my perfect lazy day. Snoozing in my hammock, by the ocean, as I sip lovely tropical drinks. As I gaze toward the ocean, my man comes out of the ocean to join me.
In the real world, my perfect lazy day wouldn't be nearly as perfect. If I can swing it, Sunday is my lazy do nothing day. If I don't have to do anything then if it rains that makes it so much better. I love the sound of rain. It's so soothing.
The perfection would start with my incredible sister making breakfast, which she does quite often. We have hash browns, eggs, bacon and biscuits in reality and in the perfect. Oh and tea, we always have a pot of tea.
After breakfast, I might read for a bit, then I "meditate" which is code for take a nap. I might goof off on my computer for a bit, read for a bit more. We might watch something on TV or we could just sit together and read. Yes, we do this.
We put together something for dinner then I'd take a shower and curl up in bed to read until I get sleepy and turn out the light. That to me is perfection. Okay, really the beach with Jason Momoa is perfection, but beggars can't be choosers.
Check out what Jessica, Bronwyn, Kris, Torrance, and Jessica D think is the perfect day.
Welcome to the Random Wednesday Blog's Promptly Penned segment. If you've never been here before, it's where Bronwyn and Jessica toss out a prompt and we have to come up with a story around it. This month the prompt is: "Her/His life changed when s/he learned the monsters were protecting her/him."
Here is my contribution:
sat on the porch of his grandmother’s home and stared into the woods. He’d
spent every summer with her as far back as he could remember. As soon as school
let out, his parents would drop him off with his gran and they’d go. He really
didn’t care where, since he loved his gran and loved her home even more. Or,
not just her home, but the forest that surrounded it. As a child, he’d spent
hours running and playing and exploring. He hadn’t thought it odd, that at six she’d
let him go into the woods. She never worried for him. She knew, and he knew,
nothing would ever hurt him there. Though he couldn’t remember why or even what
he’d spent all that time doing.
pushed clouds across the sky, causing shadows to race and frolic across the
ground. Shadows. The first time he’d been aware of the shadows he’d been maybe
twelve. Could be they’d always been there, but he just hadn’t seen or noticed. Didn’t
matter since the shadows had saved his life. He’d ran across the street to head
home and a car had come out of nowhere. At least, that’s what the neighbor had
said. All Sebastian remembered was glimpsing the car and ending up in his own
front yard. He hadn’t been hurt. He hadn’t remembered moving, but, somehow, he’d
gotten out of the street without a scratch.
had termed it a miracle, but the police had put it down to liquor since Mr.
Webster was known to drink in the afternoon. Didn’t matter though since
Sebastian had walked away unharmed. He’d seen them again off and on. And,
anytime he had seen them, he knew he was protected.
time he’d seen the shadows he hadn’t come out unscathed, but he wasn’t dead. He
should have been dead. No doubt about it. His unit had taken heavy enemy fire
and he’d run out to grab one of his guys and drag him to safety. There’d been
some kind of explosion and he knew he was in the kill zone. Instead, a shadow
had come from nowhere and deflected part of the blast.
been injured. Injured enough that a medical discharge was forced on him, but he
wasn’t dead and neither was the guy he’d gone to save. So, now he sat and
stared at the woods. Hell, he wasn’t sure how many days his vigil had gone on.
All he knew was he waited. He supposed he’d been waiting since he was twelve,
since his life had changed when he’d learned that monsters were protecting him.
Monsters. Yeah, that’s what he’d called the shadows as a child. He hadn’t been
afraid, though, not of the woods and not of the monsters.
As the sun,
sunk below the horizon, he ran his hands over his face. Fuck, maybe he was losing his mind. Every evening he
planned to leave the next day, but when morning came he found himself sitting
on the porch…waiting. He couldn’t keep this up. He had to go back and try to
pick up his life. What there was of it anyway. He had job interviews lined up
and he needed to find an apartment. He would leave in the morning.
He stood to
go into the house and found he wasn’t alone. A young girl sat curled up on the
porch swing watching him. Long, heavy dark hair with high sharp cheekbones, and
luminous blue eyes—he knew her.
he said, his voice low and harsh from disuse.
and his heart gave an odd kick.
He sank back
into his chair and stared at her. “How could I not? We practically spent every
She nodded. “Yes,
until you no longer came.”
forced me to go to boarding school. They decided that staying with my
grandmother all summer wasn’t healthy for me.”
you. I waited, but you ever came.”
And he was
too. Rhiannon had been his best friend. They’d run through the woods together
exploring. How had he forgotten her? And why did she look the same? Exactly the
real?” he forced himself to ask.
her head and held a hand out. “Come, take my hand and sit next to me.”
he went to her and grasped her small, soft hand in his much larger one. Warm.
She was warm and real. And smelled of flowers and growing things. He sank onto
the swing next to her, but still held her hand. Her hand felt right in his. He twined
their fingers together and studied her. She wasn’t a young girl, no matter her
outward appearance. The knowledge settled around him.
shadows. Are they from you?”
Dorocha are mine. You were grievously injured.”
“Yeah, but I
didn’t die. I should have died.”
her fingers to his lips. “Never say that. We made promises to one another. I
promised to keep you safe.”
promised to always be your friend. No, not your friend. I promised to always
they sat together the more Sebastian remembered their summers. Even as a young
boy, he’d loved her. They were halves of a whole. That’s right, that’s what his
gran had said when he spoke to her of Rhiannon. Halves of a whole.
you?” she asked, softly. “Love me? Or, could you love me?”
he pressed his lips gently to her own. Soft and sweet, her lips were so soft
“I think I
could. Yes, I think so.”
face in her hands, she rubbed her nose against his. “Then, will you stay here so
we can learn about one another?”
replied, as he planned on calling and cancelling his job interviews in the
morning. Because, he wasn’t leaving this place and this woman again.
Go check out the pieces by Jessica, Bronwyn, Kris, and Siobhan.
Welcome to Wednesday! Or, even better, Happy Gwensday! And, we have a new feature for the Random Wednesday post, which, I think, is going to be an ongoing thing. Okay, just checked our list and yep it is.
This first post is about what works and what doesn't in the writing process for each of us. Huh, I supposed if I actually wrote every day . . .
ANYWAY, so let me start with what doesn't work for me. Plotting everything out on paper. That so doesn't work at all. I've tried believe me and all it does is make me:
This started all the way back in high school for me. The teacher would ask us to turn in the idea we had for a paper, then a rough outline, final outline, rough draft of the paper, final draft. Yeah, I had to write the paper once I got approval for the topic so I could do everything else. I am a total by the seat of my pants girl or pantser for short.
This doesn't mean I don't know where the story is going. I totally do. I always know how it ends. It's just that the journey may change as I go. The characters may do something unexpected and I want to be able to follow where they lead instead of forcing them to stay on the trail I've hacked out. Sometimes it's more fun and it certainly makes the book better for it if I wander into the wilderness and make a new trail.
What works for me is editing as I go. Okay, I don't work on the first chapter for a million years and then only have 1 great chapter. Yeah, that doesn't finish a book. Ever. I'll write about 35-40k, then go back to the beginning to make sure it flows, there are no plot holes, see if I want to add anything, delete anything, etc.
I keep doing this until the book is finished. This also means that I never know how many words the book is going to end up with. Of course, that also means I don't feel as though I need to cut a scene short or not add a scene I think will make the story work better. Editing as I go, also means that I don't imagine every word I write is amazing. Not happening. If a scene or, hell, a chapter needs to be cut then . . .
If it's a huge scene or a chapter, I'll save it, because I could end up using it later or, even, building another story around it. If not then it gets deleted and I go on with my life.
Go check out what Bronwyn, Jessica, Jessica D, and Siobhan chose as their best and worst.
As with every top 10 list, these are in particular order. Of course, it should be the top billion things I should do, but we just don't have enough space or time for that. So, here goes:
1. Exercise!! At one point, I worked out every day. Ran, lifted, aerobics--you name it I did it. Yeah, not so much now. I have a Garmin step counter deal, but, believe me, it hasn't motivated me to do more. Now, it's just proof of how lazy I am.
I could so say that it's because it's winter. When I get home it's dark and cold and blah, blah, blah. We all know that's not true.
2.Write every single day. I think that's more than enough said on that topic.
3. Eat healthier. I really try, but you know when someone has a birthday at work and they serve cake. CAKE!! Yep, can't turn that down.
4. Take better care of myself. I'm not talking about exercise or eating healthy, but being kinder to me. Sometimes it's easier to be nice to those around me, than to be to myself. Does that make sense??
5. Save money. I have a retirement, but it's certainly not nearly enough. I really should save more, but it ends up looking more like:
6. Actually publish a book.
7. Save to travel to Scotland. I've always wanted to go. My dream is to touch Hadrian's Wall. And, this has been a dream since I was a child. Don't ask me how I learned what Hadrian's Wall is, since I have no idea. But, as long as I can remember, that has been my biggest need/want/desire.
8. Spend more time outside. I'm indoors all the time. Whether it's for work, or traveling, or once I get home. I rarely spend any time outdoors, but I need to. I used to hike, but that kind of slipped away. I have this thing about bugs. I mean a huge thing about bugs. So, when I've hiked before it was in the winter. No bugs. So, I need to get back to that. You'd be surprised the things you can see in the winter. For instance, no bugs.
9. Craft more. I actually love crafting and enjoy it while I'm doing it. So, I should do more of it.
10. Get out more. I have clinical depression and it rears its ugly head quite a bit. When I'm in the middle of it, all I want to do is hide away. I lose touch with people that I love. I just stop communicating. It takes so much energy to get up and go to work and do the things I have to do, that once I'm home I just can't people anymore. I hope they understand. It's not that I don't want to talk to them or hang out or whatever, but I just don't have the energy.
And, there we go, the top 10 things I should do, but don't. Now, go see what's rocking with Bronwyn, Jessica, Kris, Torrance, Siobhan, and Deelylah
A friend of mine asked for a tutorial for the fairy door I made, so here it is. First thing you need to know, is my crafting skills are limited. I can do a bunch of stuff (knit, make jewelry, make soap, and so on) but I'm not amazing at any of them. I enjoy doing it and so I learn enough to not kill myself.
Second, my sister and I celebrate a made up holiday we call Mid-Winter. If you want to learn more about it, check out this post. And, if you want to celebrate, then go you! If you read the post, you'll know I have decorations for Mid-Winter, but I love Fairy Doors and none, obviously, exist for Mid-Winter (weirdly enough, they don't exist for fall either). So, I set out to make my own. If you wish to make your own, it's really easy.
The first thing you need to do is find a small door, any kind of door that makes you happy. Sis ordered a set of 6 doors for me from Amazon. Here's what they look like out of the package:
Totally no thrills, no frills. But they're really cute.
Next, since the colors for Mid-Winter are an icy blue and silver, I went into our craft stash and found blue paint I thought would work. I was stunned when it was the EXACT color I wanted. When you find your color just paint the entire door. I even painted inside the little windows so no wood would show through.
Now we come to glitter and Mid-Winter is nothing without glitter and sparkle. I knew I wanted to use blue and silver glitter so I decided that the window needed to be silver.
I dumped some glue, I used Elmer's School Glue, onto a paper plate and painted the window using a small paint brush. You want to make sure you cover the entire surface or the glitter won't stick very well. Don't be stingy with the glue.
Once the glue is in place, dump that glitter on. I had a paper plate under the door so I could dump the unused back into the container. If you see spots that didn't get glue, just dab some glue on. If you pick up some glitter no biggie. Then, toss glitter on those spots.
Next, I pulled out my blue glitter. It's really fine and I prefer it since it's easier to dust on. The color is also perfect for Mid-Winter. I can't remember what we bought it for originally, but I'm so glad we did.
Then, I covered the rest of the door with a good amount of glue. I used a larger brush to cover the entire surface.
Thankfully, the glitter has a shaker lid and I shook that stuff all over the door. Not thick like the window, but just enough to give a good coat. Then I turned it over and dumped off the excess. If I saw a spot that didn't get covered I shook more out, until I was satisfied.
Next, I added a door knob. Since I make jewelry, I have a LOT of beads. I dug out a fairly large, kind of flat, crystal
And using hot glue, stuck that where I imagined the knob should go. Yeah, no measuring, nothing scientific. Just eyeball that sucker and glue
A few years ago, Sis and I made our own holiday houses, basing them off the old Putz houses we had as kids. We bought a gob of different holiday/winter themed scrapbook stickers. We just happened to have a large package of snowflakes
I decided to stick them on the door in a random way. Not too many, since I didn't think it would look good and not all lined up either.
And, voy-ola it's a Mid-Winter Fairy Door! I plan on making doors for spring, Ostara, summer, fall and on and on.
Hope you enjoyed this and it makes sense. If you have questions, you're more than welcome to hit me up in the comment section or on my Facebook page.