I've started and restarted this post over and over since, to me, the subject is really deep and intense. So, the question is to name one thing I've lied to myself about and why. Okay, here goes . . . oh and before I do let me say
I was sexually molested when I was a child. I don't have an exact age. I always say six, seven, or eight since I'm not sure. I know I was little and I know who it was - a cousin who is five or six years older than me. Once the abuse stopped, I "forgot."
Not really. Let's just say my mind tucked it away. I refused to recognize it for what it was. Any time an image of the abuse would flash in my mind, I'd unconsciously push it away. Nope, that's nothing. Nothing to see here. Move along.
Over time, I became an expert at the lie. If the image floated up, I'd make it disappear almost instantly. I never questioned all the billions of issues that I had. In fact, I never gave any of it, especially the PTSD, a thought.
The longer I lied to myself, the easier the lie became. Until, a doctor presented me with the evidence. She said the much hated words - sexual abuse. My mind was saying, "Oh no, you must be wrong." My mouth was saying something totally different, "My mother doesn't even know."
I panicked. An out and out panic attack. I ran away. Oh, after I screamed at the doctor the above sentence a couple of times. I'm sure I scarred her since she was a brand new doctor. Poor thing.
Once this happened, I couldn't lie to myself anymore. I had to look at the memories and recognize what they were. What happened. Who it was. How it affected me. Then I had to deal with it all. Which took for freaking ever. Between the abuse, PTSD, and the clinical depression my 20s and early 30s sucked major donkey balls.
Things are certainly better now. I still have the depression, which can get bad, but for the most part the other stuff has . . . subsided. It's not gone. It'll never be gone, but it doesn't take over my life either.
The song this month was one I had never heard of by a group I hadn't heard of either. As soon as I heard it, I liked it. A lot. It immediately brought a scene to mind starring a character from my November flash fiction, Raisa and her dragon troubles.
The song is called Patsheeva by a group called Circa Paleo
If you want you can take a listen here.
through the tunnels of the cave, barely aware of her surroundings. She crawled
when she needed to crawl and climbed when required. She was on the scent. The
Guild wasn’t, at one point, known as thieves for nothing. Of course, most Guild
members didn’t go out with the idea of stealing from a dragon. Or, if they did,
they didn’t last long. Here she was though, stealing from a dragon.
there really wasn’t a dragon. Maybe all the stories were just that, stories.
Dragons weren’t seen much anymore. They kept to themselves and were normally found
deep, deep in mountain ranges. This cave really wasn’t that far from the city.
Not really. It had taken her about four hours to drive and another hour to hike
to the entrance. For a dragon, that wasn’t much. And, no matter what she tried
to tell herself, a dragon was here. Somewhere. Her senses told her. Led her ever
her way along a thin ledge and cursed her brother and her own stupidity for
ending up in this situation. The Semenov’s had obviously used her brother to
get to her. Of course, it didn’t take much since Georgi was a complete and
utter idiot who imagined himself as a big player in the city. He wasn’t. He was
a pawn and now so was she.
have ignored the Semenov’s offer to meet with her. Her senses told her to
ignore it, but instead she went hoping to talk them into a solution that didn’t
have her stealing from a dragon. They not only didn’t want to talk, but they
stamped their seal on her. A seal she was to understand that never came off.
She was, in effect, their property. Forever. This was what they wanted all
along. They didn’t care about Georgi, but about her. Her skills.
in the Guild archives would hopefully pay off. The only thing that could cancel
out the family seal of a Wyrm was a dragon. She hoped like hell she could
figure out how to convince the dragon to do whatever needed to be done. And,
this whole asinine plan depended on her ability to discuss the situation with a
being who wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about her problems. Well, if the dragon ate
her, it would solve the seal issue once and for all.
the heat first. Not unpleasant, in fact, it felt good after the chill of the
cave. Her stomach in knots, she moved forward carefully. She was close, her senses
screamed at her wanting her to run, but she refused. She had to get this done.
the light. Not like from the sun, but as if from fire. A warm fire on a cold
winter’s night. Yep, just keep that thought in your head, Raisa told herself.
Comfort, warm, friendly. She almost laughed. Nothing, not even strong drink,
was going to convince herself she was heading to a warm, snuggly fire.
deep breath, she moved out of the tight corridor into a massive cavern. Or, at
least, she assumed it was massive. She couldn’t look around and investigate her
surroundings since her gaze was pinned on the enormous dragon. The enormous
dragon who lay curled up on his hoard. The enormous dragon who lay curled up on
his hoard watching her with beautiful sea green eyes.
well,” the deep male voice came from nowhere and everywhere at once. “What do
we have here?”
back a scream. She couldn’t imagine that would impress him over much. Her
screaming and flailing around like a Muppet wouldn’t make a great first
impression. No sudden moves, she told herself, and bowed low before him.
why don’t you tell me why you’re here before I eat you.”
forward to bargain with a dragon.
This month the prompt consists of the line: "It's okay. You don't have to love me." I wasn't really sure what to do with it, but I finally came up with an idea. It's not very long, but I hope you like it.
said, ‘It’s okay. You don’t have to love me.’ My first thought was, you’re damn
straight, there, buck wheat.”
out laughing, almost shooting Pepsi out her nose. “You didn’t say that, did
friend, Gina, rolled her eyes. “No, of course not. I said, ‘That’s good,
because I don’t.’”
you’ve only been dating…what? Two weeks?”
“If that, so
I am definitely not in love with him.”
her head. “So, he thinks he’s in love with you?”
Gina said, “he just wants in my pants. Because after he delivered his line
worthy of a B-grade film he said, ‘Just let me love you.’ Then he grabbed one
of my tits.”
tried not to laugh, she really did, but just couldn’t help it. Her best friend
ended up in the most bizarre situations with the most bizarre men. There’d been
the guy who claimed he was an actor, which he wasn’t. He was an usher at the
theatre. Another guy said he was an award-winning song writer and told Gina he’d
written songs like Ed Sheeran’s Shape of You, but that the singer had stolen
it. And, on and on. Dana really couldn’t remember the last normal guy Gina had
what happened?” Dana couldn’t stop herself from asking.
dropped his pants and revealed he wasn’t wearing underwear. What he did have
was a tattoo that said love machine right above his dick.”
make this shit up.”
“Oh, hell no, I don’t have this good of an imagination.”
his hand off my tit, grabbed my purse and left. He tried to run after me, but,
instead, tripped over his pants and fell out into the main hall of his
apartment building. The elderly lady who lives across the hall came out then
and screamed since he was naked. I didn’t stay around to find out what happened
sorry, but this stuff only happens to you.”
“I know and
this is why I’m taking a break from dating. Hopefully, if I give it a few
months the weirdos will have all found other people and I can find somebody, at
least, half way normal.”
not what I expected to hear. You once told me that if you didn’t have a date
for the weekend you’d shrivel up and waste away.”
I’m stupid. And, if I would waste away it’d be preferable to the men I’ve been
her head. “That’s just it. You’re not dating men, you’re dating boys. Maybe you
need to start looking somewhere other than the bars and clubs for guys to date.”
“You’re brilliant. I’ll join an online dating site.”
she raced out of the room before Dana had a chance to respond. Sitting back in
her chair, she knew, without a doubt, there were more weirdos in Gina’s future.
With the internet, the pool was going to be wider and deeper. Dana didn’t know
whether to be afraid or excited at the prospect of even more entertainment.
Welcome to the wordlessness that is Wednesday. This year we get to share whatever pics we want for each wordless post. First, I'm never wordless no matter what and second, it's going to be so hard. I have tons of pics to share.
I think, though, for March's wordless I'll share pics from my trip to Charlotte. If you've never been, the city is so nice and I love the Daniel Stowe Botanical Gardens. I hope you enjoy them.
This month we are all creating a piece around the picture above. So many thoughts, so many ideas Hopefully, you'll like what I did.
glass. The screams of men. The scent of blood and burning rubber. He couldn’t
move. He couldn’t scream. Blood choked him as he attempted to gasp in a breath.
jerked himself awake and frantically searched the room. Dream. It had been a
dream. Pain shot through his left knee, it was a dream now. What he dreamed was
real or had been real. Fuck, he wasn’t sure anymore. He scrubbed a shaky hand
over his sweaty face and tried to slow his breathing.
months. He’d been stateside for eight months. And, for almost every night of those
eight months, he had the same dream. The same memory. Roadside IED punching a
hole through his transport. Blood, screaming, bodies. He’d been one of the
lucky ones. He’d lived. He had all his fingers and toes, if not his sanity.
limped to the bathroom and turned on the shower. He needed to wash away the
sweat and the lingering unease the dream always brought on. He braced his hands
on the wall and let the hot water pour down over his body. Slowly, his muscles
unknotted and, though, he was more relaxed, he knew he wouldn’t go back to
the water off and grabbed a towel. The clock on the wall read five-thirty. He
didn’t have PT until almost ten and he certainly didn’t want to hang around the
apartment. If anyone could call the tiny four hundred square foot space by
anything so grand. It was a box, he knew that, but he hadn’t been looking for
much. All he’d been focused on was finding a place to sleep and store some of
his stuff. That was it.
Callan, had offered to let him crash at his place, but there was no way. The
man’s bed was a revolving door and Gabriel didn’t want to stay in someplace he
didn’t feel was secure. So, he’d taken the first place he looked at. It wasn’t
much, but it certainly beat most of his past accommodations.
dressed, he grabbed up his laptop bag and slowly made his way out of the
building. Turning right, he moved down the sidewalk. He was aware of everything
and everyone around him as he made his way to the coffee bar that was becoming
his second home. The place opened at six and, more often than not, Gabriel was
in his regular seat with a drink by six-ten.
in the door and paused to quickly survey the space. The only person in the
entire space, was the lady behind the counter. She looked up and smiled at him.
morning,” she called.
He stepped up to the counter.
can I get you this morning? Are you sticking with what you normally order or
are you going to branch out?”
with the regular.”
plain black coffee into a cup and handed it to him. He paid her and moved to
the table he always occupied. It was situated in the corner with a wide-open
view of the entire place. He pulled out his laptop and booted it up. While he
waited, he sipped from his cup. He didn’t know what she did, but her coffee was
damn good. That’s why he came every day, well that and the fact that, he didn’t
make her nervous.
He knew he
made people nervous, between his size and the fact that he wasn’t much of a
people person, okay, he wasn’t a people person period. He’d had his fill of
people so didn’t feel the need to socialize. Claire, though, didn’t seem to
mind. He knew that was her name since she owned the coffee bar and the place
was called Coffee by Claire.
different. His life was nothing as it had been. Wouldn’t be again. And IED and
shattered glass made sure of that. Gabriel glanced up as Claire slid a warm
cinnamon muffin on his table.
she said, with a smile. “I figured my most loyal customer deserved a muffin.”
away, her long tail of blonde hair a stream down her back. He picked up the
muffin and bit into cinnamon, butter, and warmth. His life may be totally
different than what he’d planned, but he’d take it and figure it out. It
certainly beat the alternative.